I appreciate that I have been a little quiet this past week or so. It has been my intention to publish a post last night and whilst one was written, I’m not sure it made a lot of sense.
There is a lot going on at the moment. Work is busy, Christmas is coming and my parents celebrate their Diamond Wedding Anniversary this week. All those things are great. I have some exciting projects on the go at the moment from a work perspective. My parents are an absolutely amazing couple and deserve the recognition. Christmas, is well Christmas.
I am not sure what it is that is bothering me. It just feels as though a lot is. My mind is on overdrive and everything in isolation and collectively feels immense. I feel down, I feel tired. I want to sleep, but can’t sleep or can sleep but life doesn’t allow.
This time last year, I was incredibly ill. I knew it and many people around me knew it. This is on my mind. I have felt ill this week and whilst I know it isn’t the same there are similarities. I am getting anxious and this is making me nauseas. I am conscious of my lack of mobility which seems to be getting worse not better. My inability to sleep is forcing me back on the sofa watching crap television. I am so uptight and tearful and can’t snap out of it. There feels like so much to do and I can’t focus on any element of it.
Do I want a drink? I don’t know.
I know that people will be watching me. That is natural. Celebrations are taking place where alcohol is being served. People are entitled to enjoy their celebrations with alcohol. I am the one who can enjoy the celebration but without the alcohol. So, when the glasses of fizz are being offered, or the wine is being poured at the table, I have to refuse. It is likely that I will have the orange juice or water option. I am fond of neither. To try and find another option in these scenarios takes some effort, sometimes more than others. The sad thing is that I am so angry with myself. If I hadn’t immersed myself in alcohol to such a large extent, I wouldn’t be in that predicament. I would have been able to take that glass of fizz, savour and enjoy with no harm done.
I know I need to be strong. I know I need to plan. Neither is easy when you feel far from strong and have a mind that is unwilling to play ball.
I have to plan.
Christmas Day is done. Ironically, myself and my husband will be spending it at the local pub. The table has been booked. This is a safe environment as everyone there knows I do not drink. This is not something I have done before. Christmas has always been very much a home and family affair for me. This year, somehow this feels right, as well as avoiding the pressure of delivering the perfect Christmas feast for a lot of people.
I have to be strong.
The shopping. I know that it is important for me to stock wisely. My husband still drinks. It would be unfair to deny him his pleasures over the festive period. I have managed for almost a year now and and this should be no different. It is not the beer or the wine. It is the Baileys, Port and Prosecco. I shall miss those. The Port will be my biggest miss as the key accompaniment to my cheese, when my vintage port glasses make their annual appearance.
Still, I shall have to ensure my choices of beverage(s) are available. I need to ensure that I have the finest cheeses and I need to make sure that I allow myself a little of what I fancy, of the non-alcoholic kind.
I need to focus my mind. This time last year was horrendous and the memories become clearer with every day. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe too, my expectations of year one were too high. I wasn’t just a heavy drinker, I was a suicide drinker. Bottle(s) of vodka a day. You can’t undo that in a short period of time. The world wasn’t going to become perfect overnight (or as near as it can be for me).
I am alive and I am seeing Christmas and a new year.
I was 300 days alcohol free yesterday.